Dear Systems Analyst

I am sure some of you must have read this before, forwarded by a friend. My wife sent it to me yesterday. Is she trying to tell me something? Hmmmmm!

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Dear Systems Analyst,

I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization,where it monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as "Boys' Night Out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer run, and crash the system whenever selected.

Attempting to operate selected "Saturday Football 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications.

I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend7.0", but de-installing doesn't work on this program.

Can you please help?

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AND THIS IS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID:
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Dear Customer,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely an UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is Impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once it is installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees).

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C: \APOLOGIZE\FORGIVEME program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key.

It may be necessary to run C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0, although a very high-maintenance programme, can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional software such as "Flowers 2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\KISSES 600.0" or "TENDERNESS\UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "EatingOutWithoutTheKids 7.2.1" (if child processing has already started).

DO NOT under any circumstances install "BarGirl 2.1" (Short Skirt Version) or "OneNightStand 3.2" (any version), as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

BEST OF LUCK!

Your Systems Analyst